Nobody Knows That I …

am afraid 70% of the time: I don’t have it all figured out, I get nervous, I get afraid, I fear. New exploits get me asking questions and pondering. Tasks give me the creeps, simply because I want things to be perfect. How have I made it? Surrender to God because He promised that “He will never leave me nor forsake me” and that “when I cast all my anxieties on him, he will give me peace and wisdom to figure it all out”

… think in straight lines: When I am driving, when I am walking, when I am sitting down, when I placing stuff around myself, when I am writing – in my head, all this is in straight lines and organised out in my head. I catch myself doing it and laugh so hard many times

wake up sometimes and cry: Could it be that I get overwhelmed? Could it be that I have pushed stuff into some part of my brain and locked it away and thrown the key away? Could it be that they are tears of joy? Sometimes it’s the PMS blues – BUT then, I wipe those tears away and show up after a long deep hard call out to God and his re-assurance.

… actually CANNOT hurt a fly: No, you wont find me thwarting a fly, or a bee or any crawlies. In my little head, they have families to feed, things to do – why kill them? (Even I find this too hilarious).

… have ever wished death upon myself: I was struggling, I felt suffocated, it was dark and grey, I felt like I was occupying space, I was sad; I fell sick even, I felt I couldn’t cope; maybe no-body would’ve understood me.

… cry sometimes while watching sad or happy movies:
Yes, this grown up woman sometimes balls out after a movie – sad or happy scenes do that to me; they yank the tears out. Strange but I don’t like to show this; so I quickly wipe them away lest I get laughed at (lol)

… dislike pride and any inkling to it:
I like how the Bible rightly puts it that “pride comes before a fall”. I do not know if its just mother-nature or the put-off that comes with the type of pride that spells “show-off” “intimidation” “attention-seeking” and all the relatives. My natural instinct is to hit the shut-down button around that kind of attitude.

… give to charity
I do give time and money to some charities because it is my duty as a Christian and as someone that God has blessed with hands to work and a job to bless those that are in need or underprivileged. I take this as a responsibility and do it with honour and thanksgiving. My passion is women and children and those that serve them.

… always let people win arguments for the sake of peace:
That’s just that about that – I don’t like holding arguments for long. Many see this as weakness or lack of objectivity; could be true but over the years, I have just about enough mental space and time to hold on to discussions or arguments that cause the body to produce even a “tincy-wincy” drop of adrenaline. I am also a respecter of opinions and many times prefer to uphold others’ opinions highly. I have my opinions – and they are strong and many times hold alooooot of water but lately; they just sit in my head and in my mind and that is where I hold them. 🙂

… am not confrontational (at all)
No I am not…. I do not back down, I do not give up, I do not step aside but I am strangely not confrontational. I shake at the thought of confronting another human being… you hurt me, you anger me, you get me frustrated – I feel those things BUT the confrontation will be a tough calling. God and I are in class learning these things.

… have MAJOR phone anxiety issues:
I am still wrapping my hands around this monster, this enigma, this unbearable thing. Many of my people wont realise that I get anxious around calls and chatting and things around the phone. I come of as addicted to the phone but it’s quite the very opposite. Maybe the lack of confrontation, maybe the being unaware of what news lies behind a call or a chat…. Like I said, still figuring this one out. 😉

… mentor young people:
I believe in showing the younger people the way I have walked, the things I have seen, the mistakes I have made, the lessons I have learned and the how I have made it thus far. So I have some young people I am walking life with – we check in on each other, exchange notes, go on dates and have real talk. It’s such a pleasure doing this.

… dislike sub-standards:
Some call it perfectionism, others call it high standards and a few have asked me to lower myself down. Many times I don’t realise it comes out naturally but I am a stickler for doing things well or doing things perfectly. Explains why I think in lines (maybe). However, I have learnt not to look over at what others are doing but keep focussed on stuff and tasks and on my grass that is not necessarily as green. I have learnt to use this virtue for the better and not rain on other people’s parade….

Hope you enjoyed the little expose into the essence of who AK is 😉

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