From The Inside To The Outside

“Our reputation comes from what others believe about our outside. Our character represents who we are on the inside” John. C. Maxwell

She engages the “P” gear of her sweetly scented car and checks to see if she smudged her newly and nicely manicured nails. “This cost me a lot, I cannot have it all messy” as she takes her focus to the rare view mirror to see if her hair is in place. She then reaches out for her make up bag neatly residing in her gym bag. She picks out her favorite Mac Ruby Woo lipstick and applies a fresh coat to what already existed. It has to be right. One more look in the mirror and it all looks perfect. She then reaches out at the back of her seat to pick her favorite red Zara low mitten heels. She quickly slips them on and makes a quick dash out of the car. “I cannot be late. The skype call is 45 minutes away and I have to go through my talking points!” Meanwhile this will be the 100th time she has revised these talking points. As she dashes into the office premise, she gently waves to Wandera the security guard on duty. Wandera thinks she is the kindest person he has ever met. She always greets him, she tips him every month and sometimes gives him her car to wash off the dust. He cant forget the “God bless you!” she always kindly waves him off with every evening.

The skype call was a success – she nailed it (as always). Later in the day, she receives the long awaited email from Human Resource about the promotion she has been tirelessly discussing with her supervisor. She’s overjoyed. She calls her mother and father, her best friends Davina and John and then her sister to relay the wonderful news. With the new salary increment, she is now going to be able to finish registration of her IT consultancy firm and the Dairy farm project she undertook with her father. She says a prayer of thanks every minute because she remembers the day she prayed and fasted for this promotion; she remembers how difficult and impossible it seemed. She calls Abdul to cancel her gym-boxing session that evening because Davina manages to convince her that they need to go out and celebrate. She still cannot believe this is happening. She gets moments of “Impostor Syndrome” but quickly wipes the thought off as she recalls all the hours she put in, working on the weekends; the up-country travels that impromptly came her way. She remembers the deals the team sealed under her supervision, the accolades the team received under her leadership. She remembers that it has not come easy; infact, it has come at a huge cost. That one month where she suffered burn-out and was hospitalized for a month; the boyfriend that left her because she spent a lot of time working; the family events that she missed because she had to travel to the field; the friends that she lost because she just was always busy.

That evening, as she is driving to meet Davina for the celebratory dinner, all these thoughts are constantly and repeatedly crowding her mind. She is lost in thought and doesn’t realize the tears rolling down her cheeks. “Good Lord, I am smudging my make-up and I don’t want the guys to see these tears” she retorts in her mind. She quickly parks the car at the supermarket parking that is 5 minutes to the rendezvous point. “I am supposed to be happy with all this, but why do I feel sadder and sadder and even more heavy-hearted?” this time she speaks loudly to herself.

Behind her success, behind her beauty, behind her benevolence, behind the “star” that everyone sees shinning bright – is a heavy grey cloud of sadness, self-doubt, struggles with self-esteem and lots of condemnation. Behind that well put frame is a pile of rust and dust!!!! As she wipes the tears off her face and retouches her make up – she is now more sure than ever that she needs to do something about this recurring “dark feeling”. She knows she has to find and shine some light onto the darkness in her heart. She picks out the card from her car glove compartment and dials the number.

Hello, this is Anne Kankwanzi. I got your number from a friend and I thought I’d call to inquire if you are still taking on people for the Wellness is Wealth 2019 Group Hurdle?” ……..

By the end of the phone conversation, she feels a lot better that she has finally signed up after months of constant convincing that Davina and John put up. She will be attending a group hurdle every month for the next 8 months with 5 other members overseen by a mentor. This group hurdle will be the first step in the journey to fostering her personal growth and hopefully bring clarity and change the grey cloud to the inward sunshine she has longed for.

She starts the car and drives off to celebrate her outward wins and even more elated that she is going to find an opportunity to work on her inward self.

“Inside victories precede outside ones” John.C.Maxwell

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